Wow its been a long time since the last time i've blogged, and quite a few things have happened since then! Its been a really amazing journey the past month just having these God moments where God has been speaking to me through various circumstances, people, through His word and through studies.

One of the biggest things that has been recurring in my head over the year and has somewhat almost fully materialised and blown into a big picture God perspective is the whole deal about faith and trust and the hope that we have in Him. God has been speaking to me about this all my life and lately its been a really big challenge learning this as i read through the Old Testament preparing for exams, with personal issues happening and big issues in the church. I guess its something that we constantly learn as we journey in this walk with God - where we continually learn to put our faith and our hope and our confidence in God - its not something that we learn once off, but its a constant battle, a constant struggle to fix our eyes on the eternal.

This past week has been a really great challenge for the church and i struggled with it as well because of all thats been going . My senior pastor, a non smoker and a whole hearted follower of God, found a growth in his lung and the biopsy results are coming out on tuesday next week. We've been praying for him as a church and in our small groups and in our own prayer moments with God.. One thing that i really wrestled with was with the uncertainty of the future and the church. God has been reminding me this week of the hope that we have in Him - that no matter what the results are and what the outcome can be, we have this confidence and this hope that we find in Jesus Christ, that we can put our whole life into His hands and not have to worry. The testimony that Graham and his wife Tracy gave in church just made me feel so encouraged in the way that they choose to perceive life. Something that they said really struck a chord with me - "God doesn't need me, but I pray that the work that He has for me has not yet ended." What a great perspective on life! Even to the point of the possibility of cancer, Graham still wants to live every moment for the cause of God's Kingdom. And we may never understand everything that God does, and why bad things can happen to a "good" person like a pastor, but like Tracy said, why not? Following God doesn't necessarily promise a good and blessed life as the secular world sees it, but it definitely promises us the hope of Christ coming back again and everything reverting back to the way God intended it to be. So this is what we cling to. This is what we look forward to. This is what God has promised and it will happen.

The Old Testament has been great in walking me through this period. I don't know why I'm struggling with it so much and why i got so emotional last night at church praying over Graham. I'm not particularly close to Graham, but i think God has been using this circumstance to speak to me about Him in a bigger way - and i bet that this issue to the church has been challenging so many people in their faith and what is important. But anyway, what I love about the Old Testament is that God loves His people so so much. There is so much that the Old Testament reveals about the nature of God - that He is our mighty rescuer, He is the Sovereign One who calls things to be, who makes things happen just at the right time, He is the One who gives and takes away, He is the Holy one, who requires righteousness and obedience, He is the One who remembers His people, He is the One who keeps His promises and covenants to His people, He is the One who desires His people, He is the One who wants the best for His people, He is the One who has set apart His people from the nations so that they can be His witnesses and His testimony. I love it, and I pray that when you finally do decide to read through the OT, may it be as confronting to you as it was for me..

With such a great and mighty God who loves us and cares for us to depend on, the hope that we have in Him is so much greater than having to fend for ourselves. Deuteronomy says this about disobedience: "There the Lord will give you an anxious mind, eyes weary with longing and a despairing heart. You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life." (Deut 28:65b-66) But what joy it is to follow God and live in the richness and the blessings of being obedient and putting your trust in Him! (Deut 28, Lev 26; NB: read in context!) The only constant that will never change is the hope that we can cling to. He is my safety, He is my confidence, my rock, the hope which i can cling to. Personally this has been a great lesson for me this year - learning to let go and trust in Him and the plans that He has for my life.

I've also been learning what it means to live as a people of God through the Israelite's lives and while its been somewhat horrific for me to see all the betrayal to God despite all the things that He's done for them (you can read about all of this in Exodus and Numbers) but putting me into their shoes i'm no where near better than them. Obedience has been a great theme as well and i'm still struggling with it too. But as i've read about the lives of the Israelites struggling to live life in covenant with God i learn about the life that i can choose to live in obedience to God which promises joy and great reward, and also learning to live my life everyday honouring the time that He has given to me.

I'm sorry for a really disjointed blog post - there's alot in my mind that needs sorting out. But God has really been moving and speaking to me about this and I hope it does make you think too about life and God and the hope that you cling to.

Our hope is God Almighty
His love, is greater than all
Lift high, the God of heaven
Give all the honour
(And He shall reign forever)
- Yahweh, Hillsong

Wow i guess when you really do set out to love others this month you really are challenged by alot of things that gets smacked in your face. When you choose to put others above your own interests its really hard because it conflicts with what you're going through, what you're feeling inside. But at the end of the day, love comes down to a choice. What should your perspective be? What should your attitude be? 

I questioned this, I wondered if it was being hypocritical: to feel crummy on the inside but to show that its okay because you want the best for the other person. But I've decided that it's not because when you put on the lenses of being able to trust God in His provision for yourself you see that truly only with Him everything is sufficient. He is the source of all love when Jesus saved us and went to the cross for our sins - that even despite Him not wanting to go through the cross (Matt 26:42) His perspective was that of He wanted to do what God sent Him to do, to love us by dying for us. 

So i guess while there's room to feel crummy (because we're not super human and we are not devoid of our own feelings) yet we can choose our own attitudes towards and perception of these situations. God has something good in store, we just have to wait and trust that this was all in His good timing and provision for the other party(s) and even for myself, despite how we may look at it with our own eyes. Wait and see how His plans unfold before jumping into any conclusions whether this situation is really bad, or is it really good? Sometimes in hindsight things work out better. So its better to be quiet and wait on God than to make noise and expect it to be the end of the world.

Love at the end of the day, is my choice to put someone before myself. 

This was what i wrote back then:

Friday, April 18, 2008: i had a glimpse of God's love last night.

incredibly patient, tender, kind, gentle
focussed, unwavering, never changing in magnitude
jealous, strong, powerful.

if only, if only i could learn to love like He does. 

A graph of how willing i am to trade my definition of love for God's definition of love
(my utility function is probably theoretically wrong.. i'm so screwed for my micro exam later ): )

"Some things are loved because they are worthy; but some things are worthy because they are loved"
- Pastor Ian Pitt-Watson

Should i say that sadly the graph 2 years ago was sort of true but not in its fullness? God may you continue to help me become more and more like you in reflecting your definition of love.

And You saw me
When You took the crown of thorns
Your blood washed over me
And You loved me
Through the nails that You bore
Your blood washed over me
*You Saw Me - Hillsong 

(For more past reminiscing read this)